April. 22, 2013 - The Day I Get My Life Together

     I want you to reach deep inside yourself and actively try to change. Change for your own benefit, your own happiness, your own success, and for your own sense of self worth. Decide what you want to accomplish, and set goals for yourself, both smaller scale, and long term. Then, figure out what steps you'll need to take to accomplish these goals.
     I need you to never give in to fatigue, illness, or pure desire for laziness. Fight through these and work hard every single day. Do not be afraid of failure. Do not be embarrassed by a poor grade.
Push. Push as hard as you can through these insecurities and win. Do it for your life. Do it for you family and for your wonderful friends who care so dearly for you, and want nothing but for you to be happy and successful. Establish stability for yourself so that you can support and encourage others.
     Reach. Reach higher than you ever have and better yourself. Reach above your standards, grasp a change for the better and never let it go.
     I need you to decide to change and stick to your decision. Provide yourself with positive reinforcement and power through everything that challenges you. Treat challenges as levels of success. Conquer one challenge, and move to the next. This is what will demolish your rut- that vulgar little rut that will ruin you- that little rut that has caused all your anxiety, your nightmares, and your lack of learning. Kick that rut to the ground and always stand above it. This will take practice. You will struggle, but if you don't try, you will always struggle. Success comes only with your actions. Make the decision to change today, and be able to stand above your rut tomorrow.
Think harder, fight harder, live better.

Perception

Stand in front of the mirror.
Do you see yourself?
Or do you see your slightly too-thick curves?
Do you see the purple scars on your thighs
And the way your torso spills over your natural figure?
Look at your face.
Stare into those watery blue eyes
And tell yourself
What a shame it is that you look this way.
Say that you caused it.
That you'd be better
If your skin was darker,
Softer,
Clearer,
Even.
If only you had beefy muscles
Bursting from your glistening
Arms
That move
As you move.
This is your fault.
If only you hadn't gorged yourself
Until you couldn't feel feelings
Anymore.
If only Ben hadn't
Choked you until the pain went away
And Jerry hadn't slapped the logic out of you first.
You disgust me.
I can't look at you.

I can't see you through the curves
You think are ugly.
Through your insecurities.
Through your pain.
Through your past.

Don't let your body control
Who you are.
Let your light shine
Through your body.
Let it burst out of your skin
Instead of your muscles.
Let it blind outsiders until they only
See you.

Because you are
The best thing they could have.

Waiting

I've always been taught to wait.
"Have patience."
"Your time will come."
"Don't worry about it now."
"Just wait."

I'm sick of waiting.
I sit here and expect
Everything to fall into place
On its own.

I sit here,
Waiting for someone to find me.
To know that I'm waiting
For them.

What if we all were to
Sit and wait?
Production would cease,
And we would have nothing.

We would be nothing.

I must stop waiting.
I must seek what I'm
Waiting for.
Perhaps someone is waiting for me.

I Am No More

Sitting. Soaking. Sinking.

Countless memories, like lights

Flashing.

Dreams are no longer.

Serpents slither through my brain,

Erasing all light

Killing the glow of yesterday.

Today it is gloomy,

and I am no more.

Where I Am

I stare at the lights

Outside my window.

I sit here,

In this clean,

Dark,

Comfortable room,

Utterly alone.

The sweet scent of potpourri

And faded memories

Are my only company.

This silence is new,

And relieving.

I feel for once,

As the lights

Go down,

And people begin

To subside to their beds,

I can have a moment

To myself.

I can't tell if

This place is

Anything but a memory,

But it feels close.

Although I am not where

I feel I am,

I have this

One moment to 

Go home.

This moment is

Purely mine.

Yet as I start to

Sink,

My moment is

Taken away.

It has been stolen by 

The voice I know

By day-

The pin that always is

Pricking at my side,

Awakening me from

Moments like this.

My chest grows tight as I

Lose my focus.

As the usual sounds
Reminding me of

Where I am

Start to surround me,

I close my eyes,

And take in the

Darkness.

I think about

The moment that was

All mine,

And pray it will come back.

Knowing I have failed,

I drift off to sleep,

Dreading the moment I must

Wake up.

I must remember

Where I am.

Ignorant Perfection

As a school girl

I often heard your little

Patters through the halls

And how you kissed that boy

Through the walls.

I saw you stand and 

Stare at me with your

Perfect eyes,

Throwing glances of

Hope,

And fury,

And demise.

Oh how you were,

So ignorant, so wary-

As I grew up,

You chose to stick it out

And drown until you were buried.

Your burial ground was a fine

Marriage.

But I care not,

As I am the one

Less perfect.

The one forgot.

Filter

When I think of all the things I've done,

I stop and wonder

Why I've failed.

How could you get lost

In a hole so deep?

Sinking and crumbling

To the bottom of the earth.

Sand slipping down

Down-

Down.

Into nothing.

I am a crevice atop the sea floor.

A filter,

Stuck atop the sea floor.

Waiting for someone to

Call for me.